Bancul Zilei

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Imi place cand cineva spune " Pai asta pot sa fac si eu! ", cand vede ca cineva are succes. Pai nu ai facut , asta e diferenta!

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Degeaba a avansat tehnologia. Dalmatianul meu tot alb-negru iese in poze...

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Un batran si o batrana se cunosc intr-o casa de batrani. Dupa un timp, in care s-au cunoscut mai bine, ii spune batranul:
– Noi s*x nu mai putem face, dar cel putin vrei sa mi-o tii in mana?
– Da, desigur! raspunde batrana.
Si de atunci, seara de seara, pe o banca in parc, i-o tinea batrana in mana. Dupa un timp, a disparut batranul si batrana era ingrijorata, ce i s-o fi intamplat! L-a cautat prin gradina si deodata, l-a vazut pe o banca cu alta batrana care i-o tinea si ea in mana.
Enervata, striga:
– Ce are femeia asta si nu am eu? La care batranul, fara ezitare:
– Parkinson!

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Sfat: Daca mergeti prin padure si mancati ciuperci, nu intrati in dialog cu vulpile, chiar daca ele iti dau insistent buna ziua!

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N-o sa pot intelege niciodata o femeie care sta cu barbatul altei femei, in speranta ca o lasa pe aia pentru ea. Daca isi insala iubita cu tine, ce te face sa crezi ca nu te va insela si pe tine cu alta ?

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Mergand cu masina la tara, am facut pana la o roata...ii dau incet pe pana pana la prima vulcanizare, opresc, iese un flacau afara. Se uita lung la roata dezumflata, se uita la mine, si zice, ''Ati facut pana, nu-i asa?''. Eu zic, ''Nuu, conduceam pe autostrada cu toate patru dezumflate, cand m-am trezit ca 3 dintre ele s-au umflat brusc!''. El se mai gandeste putin si zice: ''Daa, se poate, e din cauza caldurii''.

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How much is Donald Trump's life insurance?
Just one pence.

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Son tells overprotective parent he is joining the army.
"The ARMY? Are you f*cking insane? Do you want to live in constant fear? Do you want to have some psycho drill sergeant hovering over you and controlling your every f*cking move?!"
"No. That's why I'm leaving home and joining the army."

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My dad and i were driving past a cemetery.
When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice:
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said:
"Because they are still alive."

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My Korean friend died last week...
So Yung.

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Clinton spent $48 million on not becoming President of the United States.
I spent 60p and got the same result, except I now have a Mars bar.

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Did you hear about the guy who invented Knock-Knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize!

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"Beer up again? Why should I come here and pay £3.60 for a pint when I can get 4 cans for a fiver at the shop to drink at home? " I said to the landlord. "Because your wife's there." He replied.

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So liberals are protesting against Trump because he did not win the popular vote. That makes him and his supporters the minority. Well, that’s the first time liberals have protested against a minority!

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- Ce nasol sa ai un corp atat de senzual, mi-am facut numai dusmani!
- Dar tu esti grasa!
- Uite, vezi, inca unul...

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- Ce-ați dori să beți, domnișoară?
- AM IUBIT!
- Sunt ospătaru', nebuno!...

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Nu inteleg logica FRF-ului...interzic petardele, dar lasa jucatorii Romaniei pe teren...

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Cercetătorii au descoperit un fel de mâncare ce reduce apetitul s*xual al unei femei cu 90% pentru totdeauna. Se numeşte tort de nuntă.

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Cât ar fi iubirea de oarbă, tot își aruncă ochii în telefonul tău...

maryjan

neata

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Bărbatul modern nu dă cu pumnul în masă, că-i sare oja.

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- Cand soacra-mea da semne de agresivitate, iau un pahar de plastic si i-l bag in gura sa-l muste, ii zic unui amic.
- Esti complet nebun! Nu te cred...imi raspunse el, razand.
- Nu ma crezi? l-am intrebat. Ia uite aici in paharul asta, ce de venin am strans!...

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Little Sally was digging a hole in her backyard when her neighbor asked what she was doing.
"I'm burying my pet bird", Sally said.
Her neighbor asked: "Isn't that an awfully big hole, for such a little bird?"
Sally replied: "Yeah, except he's inside your f*cking cat."

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Haina il face pe om... pana cand acesta deschide gura.

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the ***es, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Having s.ex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite s.ex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy, these feel almost as nice as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "S.ex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

Q: Which s.exual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

Q: Why is s.ex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

They say that during s.ex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: s.ex will begin at 9 pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother." The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up !".

Intrebare: Se pot face copii de la distanta?

Raspuns: Da, daca distanta este mai mica decat lungimea!