Bancul Zilei

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Dupa o seara de betie, un betiv de cursa lunga statea a doua zi dimineata mahmur in fata carciumii si se tot cauta prin buzunare. Dupa ce se scotoceste prin toate buzunarele si constata ca nu mai avea niciun ban, exclama:
- Sa fiu al naibii dar mare nenorocit mai sunt, mi-am baut banii de bere!

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Imi pare rau pentru oamenii care nu beau... Ei nu vor putea aprecia niciodata racoarea si confortul gresiei din baie.

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Moare Ion si la inmormantare bunii lui tovarasi de sprituri Gheorghe si Vasile, care "consumasera" intruna doua zile, stateau langa sicriu si il priveau.
- Uita-te, mai Vasile, ce bine arata prietenul nostru Ion!
- No bine ma si tu acuma, normal sa arate bine, ca doar nu o baut nimic de 3 zile!

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Întrebare la Radio Erevan.
- Ce face mireasa din Rusia, în prima noapte, să nu murdărească cearşaful?
Răspuns:
- Se spală pe picioare.

maryjan

neata

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Se.xul nu se poate numi sport ! ...In sport, invingator e cel care termina primul.

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Cuvantul "poate" - spus de o femeie - provine din latina, si inseamna "nu".

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Two men are golfing at a local golf course.
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we've been married for 35 years."

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The devil finally gets to Hitler in hell, "What the fu.ck?" Said Hitler, "nearly seventy years you've had me waiting." "It's your own fu.cking fault," replied the devil, "have you any idea how long it takes to process six million Jews?"

realista4ever

La un centru de cercetari nucleare directorul ingrijorat se adreseaza inginerilor:
- Baieti s-a blocat calculatorul, mai stie cineva cum se face o inmultire?

realista4ever

Când te cerţi cu un prost, asigură-te că nu face şi el acelaşi lucru!

realista4ever

Se apropie o doamnă de un grup de bărbaţi:
- Hei, frumoşilor, nu aveţi o ţigară în plus pentru o doamnă frumoasă?
Ăştia se uită în jur, unul din ei scoate o ţigară şi zice:
- Dar de ce nu a venit ea singură şi v-a trimis pe dv.?

realista4ever

I.   Ce e un salariu?
R. Un fel de menstruatie: il astepti o luna si trece dupa trei zile ...

realista4ever

Astăzi l-am tras pe fiu-miu cu săniuţa de la grădiniţă.
Douăzeci de minute mai târziu, când am ajuns acasă, am realizat că nu mai era pe sanie.
Atunci m-am panicat. Am întors repede maşina şi m-am dus să-l caut.

realista4ever

- Bunico, bunico...
- Da, scumpule, ce e ?
- Imi arăţi şi mie piciorul care zice tata că îl ai în groapa?

realista4ever

- Bărbate, cum eşti tu cam urâţel, dacă ăsta micu ar semăna cu tine mi-ar părea cam rău, sincer!
- Şi să vezi ce rău o să-ţi pară dacă n-o să-mi semene!

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In inchisoare, degeaba te culci cu fundul la perete, daca dormi cu gura deschisa...

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Muslims really are annoying. My muslim next door neighbour left a disgusting mess all over our front garden the last time he called over to borrow something. I should have probably used a smaller calibre gun.

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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because air is free, my boy!

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Two Jewish men sitting on a park bench when a stunning woman walks past. One Jew says to the other, " Oi Vey, I would lend her one"!

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Banc de succes, in Anglia:

How can you tell when Romanians have moved into your area ?
Paki's get car insurance.

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A black guy arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St Peter. St Peter tells him, "Heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something very special. Have you ever done anything very special?" The black guy says, "In fact I have. I fu.cked the daughter of the Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan in Alabama." "Wow," says St Peter, "that is very special! When was that?" The black guy replies, "Oh, about five minutes ago!"

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Mai știți cântecelul ăla de la școală, "Țăranul e pe câmp"? Ei bine...acum sunt mult mai mulți, și îi vezi mai mult pe la oraș!

At a wedding reception, the best man said, "would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living."

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll f.ucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't f.ucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"F.ucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

Sending d.ick pics is for amateurs...

Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a g.ynaecologist today.

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the n.udist colony.

I was born ready.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right... we had 6 matching b.alls.