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Un banc pe zi, colecţie completă cu bancuri de bun gust

Luni, 27 februarie 2017

Propus de (3 voturi)

(32 comentarii)

4.447 afisari

Bancul Zilei

Why computers are like men:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Rating:

Dă-i o stea!

Dă-i 2 stele!

Dă-i 3 stele!

Dă-i 4 stele!

Dă-i 5 stele!

Dă-i 6 stele!

Dă-i 7 stele!

Dă-i 8 stele!

Dă-i 9 stele!

Dă-i 10 stele!

8,36

(11 voturi)

Yahoo Messenger

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Vezi si celelalte bancuri propuse (2)

Dintre toate animalele pe care le-a văzut la Grădina Zoologică, lui fii-meu i-a fost cel mai teamă de țiganii care vindeau semințe la intrare..

Banc propus de maryjan Offline

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(2 voturi)

ANUNȚ IMPORTANT!!!
Diseara.ro va fi închis timp de trei zile, pe 29, 30 și 31 Februarie! Vă mulțumim pentru înțelegere!

Banc propus de fara_cont Offline

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(1 vot)

Top 10 cele mai citite bancuri

Top 10 cele mai comentate bancuri

Ultimele zece zile

Top 10 cele mai apreciate bancuri

Ultimele zece zile:		Rating
1.	Pentru limba română... Votați azi ! Pentru limba rusă... Votați pe rit vechi...	1,00
2.	Alegeri prezidențiale în România, anul 2028: Organizator: - Tovarășul Bulov pu...	10,00
3.	Un rabin este invitat sa tina un discurs intr-o sinagoga. Vine rabinul, se aseaz...	10,00
4.	Ea: Iubitule, am visat azi-noapte că mi-ai cumpărat de Valentine’s Day un colier...	10,00
5.	Stau întins pe canapea, citesc Hustler, cu un deget mă scobesc în nas, cu altul ...	10,00
6.	Normal că se intelege bine iubitul tau cu tac-tu,dacă au fost colegi de bancă...	10,00
7.	O blondă suspectează că iubitul o înșală. Merge și cumpără un pistol și apoi la ...	10,00
8.	Ea : -Ce masina ai? El : - Dacia Logan. Ea: -Asta nu-i masina, ci rahat... El...	10,00
9.	Acum 5 ani când îți scriam o ardeai in Alba ca Zăpadă, acum că te-ai îngrășat îm...	10,00
10.	- De la spital va sunam . Sotia e-n stare critica ! - Asa-i de cand o stiu .Ce ...	10,00

următoarele 40 »

februarie 2017

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Comentarii (32)

Luni, 27 feb 2017 00:00 [#]

Neata :) !
- Luni, 27 feb 2017 00:26 [#]
  mcara
  
  RE: Nu te uiti la Oscars!? :)
  - Luni, 27 feb 2017 08:49 [#]
    
    RE: nope
Luni, 27 feb 2017 06:25 [#]
maryjan

neata
Luni, 27 feb 2017 06:41 [#]
cristi2000

Neata

maryjan

Luni, 27 feb 2017 08:09 [#]

Offline

Haideți să jucăm fazan fara să închidem pe nimeni incep eu...ciment

Luni, 27 feb 2017 08:16 [#]
fara_cont

RE: ntz.

Luni, 27 feb 2017 08:22 [#]
fara_cont

Ce face românul când nu mai are bani?
Schimbă 100 de Euro.

fara_cont

Luni, 27 feb 2017 08:23 [#]

Offline

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people:
1. They need money for drugs;
2. I need money for drugs.

fara_cont

Luni, 27 feb 2017 08:25 [#]

Offline

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

1	Luni, 27 feb 2017 08:25 [#] fara_cont Is it possible to stop a grenade from exploding by putting the pin back in? I need a quick answer to this question.

Luni, 27 feb 2017 12:19 [#]
Je

RE: No, is not possible! Was that quick enough?

Luni, 27 feb 2017 11:24 [#]

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just change the standard to darkness.

Luni, 27 feb 2017 11:28 [#]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“Don’t you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one."

Luni, 27 feb 2017 11:30 [#]

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer :“Could you please go shopping for me and buy 1 carton of milk ? And if they have eggs, get 6!”
The husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him: “Why the heck did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replies: “They had eggs.”

fara_cont

Luni, 27 feb 2017 11:56 [#]

Offline

RE: Three programmers walk into a bar. The bartender asks "So, all three of you want a drink?"
The 1st programmer says "I don't know" and looks to the 2nd.
The 2nd says, "I don't know" and looks to the 3rd.
The 3rd says, "Yes, we do".

1	Luni, 27 feb 2017 13:20 [#] RE: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None – It’s a hardware problem.

Luni, 27 feb 2017 11:32 [#]

Two rednecks were sitting on a porch. A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat, then it starts to l.ick himself. One redneck looks to the other and says: “Man, I sure wish I could do that." The other redneck says: “Maybe if you pet him first."

Luni, 27 feb 2017 11:40 [#]

Redneck couple get married. They are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a ***y outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers: “Please be gentle with me. I’m a v.irgin."
The man jumps up screaming, grabs his trousers, and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying: “Now, now. It’ll be okay, son. If she wasn’t good enough for her own family, then she isn’t good enough for ours."

Luni, 27 feb 2017 11:50 [#]

Yo mama is so fat when she bent over and showed her crack the Grand Canyon said "D.AMMMMMMMMMMN"

1	Luni, 27 feb 2017 12:50 [#] fara_cont RE: How many americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon? 4

1

Luni, 27 feb 2017 13:17 [#]

RE: :))))) 3, if they 've just been to Mc'Donalds !

fara_cont

Luni, 27 feb 2017 12:52 [#]

Offline

What do Rapists and Cops from Delhi have in common?
The rape victim.

1	Luni, 27 feb 2017 12:52 [#] fara_cont Most black 15 year-olds in America are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause all the trouble.

1	Luni, 27 feb 2017 12:55 [#] fara_cont As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak. My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Luni, 27 feb 2017 13:28 [#]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

Luni, 27 feb 2017 13:32 [#]

The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can’t find a girlfriend with a good <HEAD> on her <BODY>, reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searches his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend — sometimes even without a secure socket. His last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. He fumed, “I hate commenting!” Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as “Feature Creep.” He smacked her back-end and shouted, “Who’s your parent node?!” He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine routine, she screamed, “Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You’re 1337, baby!” This caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his GUI on her interface.

Luni, 27 feb 2017 14:01 [#]

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Luni, 27 feb 2017 14:20 [#]
fara_cont

RE: lol. :)

Luni, 27 feb 2017 14:37 [#]

A manager, a mechanical engineer, and software analyst are driving back from convention through the mountains. Suddenly, as they crest a hill, the brakes on the car go out and they fly careening down the mountain. After scraping against numerous guardrails, they come to a stop in the ditch. Everyone gets out of the car to assess the damage.
The manager says, "Let's form a group to collaborate ideas on how we can solve this issue."
The mechanical engineer suggests, "We should disassemble the car and analyze each part for failure."
The software analyst says, "Let's push it back up the hill and see if it does it again."

Luni, 27 feb 2017 14:41 [#]

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Luni, 27 feb 2017 14:53 [#]

A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

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