Bancul Zilei

Elly_U

Doctorul intreaba pacientul :
- Sper ca ati respectat cu strictete indicatia mea de a nu fuma mai mult de zece tigari pe zi ?
- Da, domnule doctor, desigur.
- Atunci chiar nu inteleg de ce starea sanatatii dvs nu se imbunatateste !
- Poate din cauza ca pana la indicatiile dvs eu nu am fumat deloc ?

Elly_U

In New York a fost retinut un arab cu un praf alb suspect. In urma analizei rapide efectuate, s-a constatat ca praful nu era antrax. Autoritatile si-au cerut scuze fata de retinut, dupa care acesta s-a dus mai departe sa-si vanda heroina...

Elly_U

Sotia incearca sa invete cainele sa stea in doua picioare. Sotul incearca sa o descurajeze :
- Degeaba te chinui, draga, oricum n-ai sa reusesti.
- Fii linistit. Nici tu la inceput nu ascultai de mine.

Elly_U

Dimineata este acea parte a zilei in care unii ar prefera sa fie someri.

Elly_U

Avocatul apararii la proces :
- Domnule judecator ! Dar de unde putea sa stie aceasta femeie ca sotul dansei este atat de sensibil fata de cianura de potasiu ?!

25

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."

25

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

:))))))) tareeee :)))) :)) =))

25

A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?"

lol

danutza

Motive ciudate invocate de oameni atunci cand divorteaza

Chiar in noaptea nuntii, un german din Frankfurt nu a gasit nimic mai bun de facut decat sa se uite, timp de cinci ore, la filme de groaza. Satula de violenta de pe ecran, proaspata mireasa a iesit sa se plimbe si a intalnit un barbat de care s-a indragostit lulea. A doua zi ea a intentat divortul.

O femeie de 45 de ani din Munchen a divortat dupa doi ani de casnicie. Motivul: sotul ei o obliga sa doarma intr-un hamac. Femeia a cazut din patul suspendat de 16 ori, alegandu-se cu vanatai.

Sotia unui ofiter al armatei americane a divortat dupa 10 ani de casnicie, pentru ca nu mai suporta tratamentul militareas la care era supusa. Sotul o obliga sa umble numai in uniforma militara, femeia trebuind sa execute salutul regulamentar de fiecare data cand se intalnea prin casa cu ofiterul.

25

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks  "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"

"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."



:))) l-am mai pus acum cateva luni... dar e prea tare !!! :))))))

danutza

Hobby-ul neobisnuit al unui barbat din Pennsylvania a determinat-o pe sotia acestuia sa divorteze dupa trei ani de casnicie. Americanul avea obiceiul de a aruca cu pietre in dozele goale de bere. El aseza "tintele" pe capul sotiei.

Un pensionar zgarcit din Oklahoma nu i-a permis sotiei sa-si faca o noua proteza dentara. El a replicat ca amandoi pot folosi prin rotatie proteza lui.

In Stuttgart, o femeie a divortat dupa sapte ani de la casatorie. Desi se impacase cu gandul ca sotul ei o inseala, ea nu a mai suportat situatia in momentul in care barbatul a pus-o sa se ascunda, cand era cu el in masina, de fiecare data cand pe strada trecea una din amantele lui.

25

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."


:)))) LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

danutza

Un american din Vermont si-a dresat papagalul sa strige in fiecare dimineata "Gata cu somnul. Trezirea!!!" Dupa trei ani, sotia americanului nu a mai suportat "desteptatorul" si a divortat.

In fiecare dimineata, un barbat din Montana dadea cu creta pe talpa pantofilor sotiei sale, ca sa vada daca aceasta pleaca de acasa. Femeia a divortat dupa doi ani.

danutza

Intrebare la Radio Erevan:
- De ce unii au chelie si altii nu?
- In principiu, toti oamenii au chelie, dar pe unele chelii creste par, pe altele nu.

Intrebare la Radio Erevan:
- Care este cea mai placuta despartire???
- Despartirea cracilor...

Concurs la Radio Erevan:
Natasa si Ivan stau pe banca in parc. La un moment dat o musca intra sub
fusta Natasei.
RE: Unde s-a asezat musca?
Un ascultator: Musca s-a asezat pe piciorul Natasei.
RE: GRESIT! Musca s-a asezat pe mana lui Ivan.

25

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

:)))))):))))))):)))))))):))))))):))))))))))):)))))
))
:)))))))))))))))):)))))))))))))))))))))))))):)))))
)))))))))):)))))
:))))))))):):):):=)))))))))))))):)))))))))))=)))))
))))))))))))) LOL !!!!!!!!!!!

25

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."


LMAOO

25

An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.

After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"

The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!" The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"

25

A couple's taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get aroused. He's just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I have to take a pee." He says, "Sure, go behind the hedge." She disappears behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears the sound of her jeans being rolled down her legs and imagines her exposed twat. He can't contain himself, so he reaches through a gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs. He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says, "No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."


kinda dirty ... but funny !!! :)))))))))))))) LOLLOLOLOOLOLOL

25

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

:))))):)))))))):)))))))):))))))
lol

25

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.They never allowed him to meet any girls,except his own relatives.However,one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.His mother told him "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.She knew that he had never been kissed before.When she eventually got some time alone with him,she tried to kiss him but he resisted.She asked him,"What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."He said,"My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!"She replied,"Don't be a baby,now come on kiss me."With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry,"Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied,"I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"

Anna22

Un tip merge la un restaurant, comanda ceva de mancare si, dupa un
timp, apare chelnerul care-si tinea degetul mare in supa omului. "Ciudat", isi zice omul, dar manaca totusi supa. La felul doi, aceeasi treaba: chelnerul cu degetul mare in mancare.
- Ce se intampla? Care-i treaba cu degetul in mancarea mea?
- Imi pare foarte rau, domnule, dar m-am lovit rau la deget si trebuie sa-l tin la cald!
- Pai, si? In mancarea mea? De ce nu ti-l bagi mai bine in fund?
- Asa e domnule, cand sunt la bucatarie, chiar asta fac!

Anna22

Patronul unei companii discută cu un tânăr care caută de lucru:
- În primul rând, firma noastră este obsedată de curăţenie, zice patronul. V-aţi şters picioarele pe covoraş înainte de a intra aici?
- O, da! Bineînţeles...
- În al doilea rând, continuă patronul, cerem colaboratorilor noştri sinceritate. Nu există nici un covoraş la intrare.

Anna22

Directorul Bula moare si ajunge in Iad. La poarta era un drac fioros care pazea trei intrari.
- Vin imediat, asteapta-ma aici! ii spuse lui Bula.
Dupa ce pleaca diavolul, Bula, curios, deschise una din porti. Inauntru vazu niste directori, pe care ii cunostea, supusi la munci umilitoare. Bula tranti usa si o deschise pe a doua. Tot asa, fosti directori adunau gunoaie. In spatele portii a treia vazu cu stupoare cativa directori inconjurati de roiuri de secretare goale care se intreceau sa satisfaca cele mai fanteziste gusturi in domeniul sexual. Bula se minuna si-si relua locul in fata portilor. Sosi si dracul:
- Ei, ce poarta iti alegi? Prima sau a doua?
- A treia as vrea.
- Nu se poate! Acolo este iadul secretarelor.

danutza

Pe o strada intunecata mergea o tipa. La un moment dat aude pasi in urma ei. Cind se uita tipa vede o aratare apocaliptica cu bratele desfacute la maximum, ochii holbati, mers poticnit, nasul turtit, buzele strivite... Ingrozita, tipa ia o piatra si o arunca spre monstru: "Zaaaaang!"
La care monstrul:
- Tu-i p...da ma-sii de geam, de-o saptamana incerc sa ajung cu el acasa!

danutza

Oferta serviciu
Club fotbal pretentii europene selectam / recrutam portar. Experienta internationala relevanta minim 2 ani (ex. portar la Marriott; etc). Exclus Crowne Plaza. CV in engleza la fax 0742 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42...

Pierderi
Pierdut calificare printre degete. Gasitorilor, o excursie la Eindhoven. O declaram nula.

Comemorari
Se implinesc 34 de minute de cand nu am mai trecut de centrul terenului. Pioasa amintire primei reprize.

Diverse
Vrajitoarea Scuter Maria, adevarata fiica a Mamei Omida, face descantece in limba engleza pentru a dezlega ghete de fotbalisti aflati in Anglia in delegatie. 5 000 USD + crucifix Muntele Athos. Programari la ***.

Diverse
11 tineri talentati, oferim placeri maxime! Prima 100.000 USD ½ ora. Bonus, 1 ora stam ca fundasi. O luam pe toate partile. 0742 zzz zzz.

ro.xy

SORRY NU AM STIUT CA A MAI FOST PROPUS, MY MISTAKE!!!

Anna22

Pe o alee intre blocuri, intr-un cartier, o doamna striga:
- Madam Popescu!
La un geam isi face aparitia o doamna.
- Da, draga, ce vrei?
- Madam Popescu, sotul meu este cumva la dumneata?
- Nu, draga!
- Madam Ionescu, striga atunci tipa. La o alta fereastra isi face aparitia o alta doamna.
- Ce-i, draga?
- Sotul meu este cumva la dumneata?
- Nu, draga! Dar ce s-a intamplat?
- Pai, ne-am certat un pic, si a plecat furios. Am fugit dupa el si, cand l-am intrebat unde se duce, a raspuns:
- La curve!

danutza

Si voi, care credeati ca stiti engleza...

Masina de spalat - Spelling Machine
Distractie placuta - Nice Destruction
Malul apei - The male of the ape
Apa calda - Cold ape
Apa minerala - Mineral Ape
Apel telefonic - Telephonic Apple
Mici pe gratar - Smalls on the greater
Sac de dormit - The Sake of Sleeping / Dorming
Sucks Mici pe jar - Smalls on the jar
Chibrite - Kribits

Anna22

Ion o astepta pe Maria la gara dupa o plimbare prin Bucuresti...
-Ia zii Marie,cum o fost in Bucuresti?
-Apai, la gara un om m-o intrebat daca vreau o camera...
-Ce-i aia camera Marie?
-Apai, un fel de odaie dar mai frumoasa ca a noastra..
-Apai, m-o intrebat daca vreau un ness...
-Ce-i ala ness , Marie?
-Apai un fel de cafea ca a noastra , da se freaca...
-Apai m-o intrebat daca beau un whisky...
-Ce-i ala whisky, Marie?
-Apai un fel de palinca ca a noastra da se bea cu gheata...
-Apoi m-o intrebat daca vreau p*enis...
-Ce-i ala p*enis , Marie?
-Apai un fel de p*la ca a noastra, atit ca se ***...

Anna22

-Apai un fel de p*la ca a noastra, atit ca se s*ge...

meetweety

Era un tip care de fiecare data cand se imbata facea scandal. In acea seara era in bar, deja se imbatase rau si zice:
- Toti care sunteti in partea stanga a barului sunteti niste PROSTI, iar cei din partea dreapta niste IDIOTI.
Un om din partea stanga ii spune infuriat:
- Eu nu sunt deloc Prost, ai grija cum vorbesti!!!!
Betivanul ii raspunde:
- Atunci miscate in partea drepta, Idiotule!

meetweety

Un hot a intrat noaptea intr-o casa si la trezit pe omul ce dormea acolo:
- Caut bani!
- Ce idee buna! Stai un pic sa deschid lumina si cautam amandoi!

Anna22

Basescu la tara.
Un batran il intreaba:
- Cine esti?
- Cum cine sunt? Pe mine ma arata zilnic la tv.
- Mai sa fie.....  doar nu esti coca-cola??????

Anna22

Profa catre o eleva: Ce stii tu sa faci cel mai bine?
O voce din clasa: SEX!!!

Anna22

-Cum ti-ai rupt piciorul, Vasile??
-La meciul de fotbal de ieri. Am facut parte din echipa...
-Te-a faultat dur vreun adversar??
-Nu, am cazut de pe banca de rezerve!!!!

Anna22

Dupa ce a castigat razboiul din Irak , presedintele Americii se duce la o scoala sa vorbeasca cu elevii.
- Dragi copii , astazi imi puteti pune cate intrebari vreti.
Micul John :
-D-le presedinte, am 2 intrebari: unde a avut loc cel mai mare atac terorist care a fost facut vreodata? (acest atac a fost facut bineinteles de americani, atunci cand au folosit bomba atomica impotriva civililor japonezi neinarmati ) si cealalta intrebare: de ce ati atacat Irak-ul ? Pentru ca nu aveati nici un motiv... poate doar sa le luati petrolul..

Dar se suna si presedintele nu mai are timp sa raspunda. La a doua ora intra presedintele din nou in clasa si o fetita spune :
- Am si eu 4 intrebari: cele doua pe care le-a pus inainte micul Jon si inca doua: de ce s-a sunat cu 25 de minute mai devreme si unde a disparut micul John ? ?

Anna22

Stau la bar in localul meu preferat... deodata intra pe usa cea mai frumoasa femeie pe care am vazut-o vreodata!
Ma gandesc cum sa intru cu ea in vorba si comand o sticla de sampanie.
Trimit chelnerul la masa ei cu sticla si un biletel daca doreste sa bem impreuna.
Ea citeste biletelul si imi zambeste, scrie ceva si imi trimite mesajul prin chelner.
Pe bilet asta: "onorate Domn, daca as bea cu dvs. din aceasta sticla, ar trebui ca in garajul dvs. sa existe cel putin un Mercedes, pe contul dvs cel putin un milion, in pantalonii dvs. ar trebui sa fie 17cm, iar o vila in Insulele Canare ar fi de asemenea de dorit.
Eu citesc zimbind si scriu inapoi: "draga Doamna, in garajul meu se afla un Ferrari, un Porsche si un Mercedes, pe fiecare din cele 8 conturi ale mele se gasesc cate 2 milioane, am case de vacante in Bali, Florida si Elvetia...
... insa niciodata - nici pt. cea mai frumoasa femeie din lume - nu as lasa sa mi se taie 6cm... asa ca va rog sa trimiteti sticla inapoi!

TwistV

asta l-o scris cineva inainte dar in engleza..tu ai facut traducerea? :)

meetweety

- Doctore, sforai foarte tare, nu mai stiu ce sa ma fac. Ma puteti ajuta , va rog.
- Si o deranjezi pe sotia ta?
- Nu sunt casatorit..
- Atunci nu cred ca este vreo problema daca dormi singur.
- Asa credeti dumneavoastra!!! Nu este niici o problema??? Am fost concediat de la 5 locuri de munca din cauza asta....

V|p3r_m3n

ce tari is bancurile :)) asta ultimul a lui ana il stiam dar putin schimbat :D oricum tari :)) :)) si bancul zilei e tare normal:D

Convulsie

Non - Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road? Being a chicken it has no such thought processes so it crossed the road with no purpose or direction.

Two Irishmen are walking down the road and one falls down an open manhole. He yells up to his friend, “I’ve broken my ankle! Call me an ambulance!” The other Irishman quickly phones the emergency services and assistance arrives swiftly.

Convulsie

A blonde woman is doing the ironing when the phone rings. She answers the phone and her husband asks if they need anything from the supermarket on his way home. She gives him a small list of items, hangs up and returns to the ironing.

How many elephants can you fit into a Mini? Logistically none, as it the average Mini has a width of 1.40m and a height of 1.35m where as the African Elephant is 6 to 7.3m long and 3 to 3.5m tall. The Asian Elephant can grow to be approximately 4m tall. It may be possible to place an elephant calf inside a mini, but sizes vary.

A man walks into bar with a cat on his shoulder. The barman says animals are not allowed in the bar, so the man leaves.

tonys

bun banc 25 chear mi-a placut > VOTAT <